Ramblings of a sunken mind

For my eyes only. (31st May 2021)

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

6 am: I woke up with the same sinking feeling that life was out of control.

The mind tasted raw with the fresh memory of the latest dream.

In my dream, I was looking for my hotel room with all my sheets and belongings and I could not find it. I was in a foreign country and I knew no one in the city or the hotel. Like I had been abandoned. The hotel was cold and narrow. Like a shard of glass sticking out of the earth.

I got out of bed to escape the torture. My wife slept soundly beside me. Lost in her own senseless heaven.

8.30 am: Let's pay some bills for my mother. She’s 90 with a mind of a 4-year-old. Glad we got her into an old age home. The least I can do for her is pay her bills. Not sure how long she’s got left to live.

9 am: Let's check the money in the banks. Make sure that the markets are still bullish and all the balances are well stocked.

9.30 am: Meditate. Eyes open today. Sam’s playing an old one. He’s good. Has a way with his words and always ends up soothing the swell.

10 am: The wife is finally awake. Can eat something together. It’s good to have her with me. She still loves me. I hope. Life would be very different if left me. I would hire a maid. I hate cooking for myself. She can do all the chores as well. Maybe she can give me a full body massage when she’s done with the housework. Need to make sure they are qualified for that…

11.30 am: Checking on my palm again. That fate line is still broken. But the island is ending soon. It’s going to be fine. Maybe. Who the fuck knows… I am tired of trying to fix my destiny with the glue of hope.

“There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save.”
Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky

12.00 pm: The bald patch is visible again. Going from black to bald was not part of the plan.

12.55 pm: Need to cut some grass around the pool. Should be fun. At least a visible victory.

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind — you are the one who hears it.”
Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

Needed some Micky juice to pour over my self-sabotaging steak today.

01.04 pm: Lunch was cold. So was the conversation.

01.15 pm: What are you waiting for? Do you think it's going to be better in the next text? or the next notification? Or the next affair? Nothing will fill that black hole in your heart. The water will never reach your roots. It will always be that one step too far. Joy is self-made. You know that.

“I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.”
Nicole Lyons, Hush

01.20 pm: Writing has become a gang of clouds today. The words move in and out of the shade. Threatening to inspire and deflate.

01.27 pm: The best way to describe my mind today is `normal’ and that is scary.

01.29 pm: First you worry when you chase those millions, then you worry about how to keep them. Is life just a string of expensive worry beads from the beginning till the end?

01.33 pm: Living in my memory or in my future always makes me anxious. Breathe Andy, breathe…

“I have been alone but seldom
lonely.
I have satisfied my thirst
at the well
of my self
and that wine was good,
the best I ever had,
and tonight
sitting
staring into the dark
I now finally understand
the dark and the
light and everything
in between.

peace of mind and heart
arrives
when we accept what
is:
having been
born into this
strange life
we must accept
the wasted gamble of our
days
and take some satisfaction in
the pleasure of
leaving it all
behind.

cry not for me.

grieve not for me.

read
what I’ve written
then
forget it
all.

drink from the well
of your self
and begin
again.

Mind and Heart”
Charles Bukowski, Come On In!: New Poems

13.42 pm: The mind falls silent when it reads Charles Bukowski.

13.43 pm: I can hear my wife talking in the next room to her team. She gets so absorbed in her work. Good for her. Her mind falls silent very quickly. It’s because her heart is innocent.

13.45 pm: My heart on the other hand is a shining kettle with an underbelly full of soot. It’s a brick that had to burn for the clay to harden. Now it waits to be of use in the home that needs it.

13.48 pm: Need to cut that grass to earn my beer. It's the only way I can justify drinking at 3 pm on a Monday. One of the ways…

13.53 pm: I wait for Grammarly’s approval score. Pathetic.

13.55 pm: There is a faint perfume of mountain tulips in the air. May is the most beautiful time to be in Italy. Nature is in ecstasy.

“You may die a hundred deaths without a break in the mental turmoil. Or, you may keep your body and die only in the mind. The death of the mind is the birth of wisdom.”
Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Coda:

If life was to end today, what would I miss?

Nothing.

Perfect.

Curious about what makes us tick, tickle and other similar black holes. https://twitter.com/AndyTravis31 ; andytravis@email.com

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