Finding No 2: Get yourself a spiritual guide as you let go and jump into the raging depth of your suffering mind.
Self transformation is a jump off the cliff kind of trip.No cord. No harness. Just a free fall into yourself.
On this trip you have to be prepared for the worst. Of never recovering. Of losing everything. Of becoming nobody.
There might be an easier way but i did not find that path. My path was dark, erratic and incredibly lonely.
But my mind was made up. I had to find my peace and end my suffering mind and i was going to do it myself. No therapy, no doctors, no drugs, no religion.
The only help i sought was a spiritual guide. My memory from my mountain climbing days reminded me — having a guide who knows the way of the mountain can save your life.
The first guide i found was Eckhart Tolle.
He helped me when i cracked open.
I had no relief from my pained mind until one ordinary day in October i had an experience that changed my life.
I had been meditating for a few weeks by now in October and I felt highly drawn away from life and into my own self destructive thoughts. Eckhart Tolle was a constant companion in my ears. That day I had been listening to his book Power of Now and I felt a great sense of solace from his voice and words. I might have drifted into a moment of silence and then it struck.
Like a thunder bolt, like a massive wave of emotion that i could not control. My mind and heart and every pore of my body was vibrating to this sensation rising inside me. I encountered a force of peace and love inside me that is vast and immense and I felt it flowing through every pore of my body. I remember the feeling of being completely alive yet I was completely at peace. I lost all track of time.
All I could say in my mind was thank you. Thank you. Thank you…
I felt drowned in gratitude. It feels like love but one that is totally unconditional. A love that only wants to give and take nothing back in return.
Tears welled up inside and started to flow. I was crying with joy and relief. It was as if a dam inside me had been breached. It’s a surge of joy and love and kindness without any reason. I cried for a long time that afternoon.
But the tears were not of self pity or sadness or anger but one of feeling love in my heart that was pure and unconditional. I have cried before, but this experience was …sacred.
For the first time I felt safe to surrender. I felt the power of kindness in me. I felt compelled to give up all my resistance at the altar of this energy and let it guide me onwards.
I had cracked. Now i could let the light come in and start the healing process.
Then I got up from the floor where i had been for the last hour and lay on my couch. Covered myself with my blanked and fell asleep.
Looking back the finding is that you must keep surrendering to this force of unconditional love and gratitude. Against the wishes of your mind.
Our mind will keep trying to take back control and resist this sacred energy inside us. It will try to find tricks to fight back. It will mock you/ cajole you/ get you angry/ tell you its not worth it. Its ok to lose the battle of surrender with the mind. But don’t give up.
Start again. Find that place inside yourself that feels unconditional love for yourself and those around you. Including those who may have harmed you. Again and Again. This is the spiritual light that will guide you to your true self. Keep asking for mentors and guides and they will show up to help you on your way.
And you will slowly see yourself budding.