My beast was born the day my father died.
I was fast asleep when my mother woke me up in a state of real distress, telling me to go get a doctor from the neighbourhood . It was my dad . He was not well. I remember rushing to their bedroom to see him heaped on the floor, eyes closed and frothing from his mouth. He died that night .
Next morning the calendar read April 1, 1984.
The April jester was laughing while everyone cried at home and I found myself stroking my new born beast who sat in my lap watching me shiver with fright.
I was a normal, sensitive, introverted 11 year old before my father died.
After that day I was a very sensitive, introverted 11 year old who hated his fate. He secretly hated life for what it had done to him and his mum and his brother.
He hated his rich happy cousins who drove in big cars and had a house full of friends and servants and toys.
He hated that he had to grow up and listen to his highly stressed mother moaning about the toughness of her life and how she was struggling to make each day count for our sake.
He hated the weight of responsibility that was thrust upon him.
I had to `grow up’ and look after my brother and be a good boy and study hard and make my mum proud who was doing so much for me. The burden of obligations and responsibility was the heaviest load on my mind.
It haunted me. I hated being told I had to be grateful for all that we had as we were given second hand clothes to wear from our cousins.
I hated how my body was growing. I looked grotesque with my scrawny bones ,protruding teeth and ears, hollow cheeks …I hated that everyone could see my distress and I could not hide it , I hated that I was at the mercy of pretentious sympathy and carrying the cross of my mothers misery everyday. I was locked in the prison of my own wretchedness.
The only thing to keep me company in my darkness of self loathing was my little beast boy. Made of my hate.
I could depend on it to comfort me and be loyal to me. He was my only real friend and I trusted him. We promised each other we would be together until death do us apart and we would fight our way out of this lonely prison together.
When hate is your only friend you trust it and do a deal.
The beast sat me down one day and explained the rules of how to win in life.
Rule 1. Have a goal. Clear. Bright and bold. Make sure its real in your head as much as your hands in front of your eyes. Make sure the goal is material and has tangible benefits. Money, status, relationships, travel, adventures, health, education, applause…all the good things life you don’t have.
Rule2. Visualise getting all of them at any cost. A firm belief that they are all there to be gained and nothing can prevent us from having them if we want them. We can’t stop until the goal is reached. It might not turn out exactly as we imagined but it will be way better than not visualising the gain at all.
Rule 3. Its all up to us. We have to work hard and make them real. No one will help us if we don’t help ourselves. So courage and self-reliance was key.
Rule 4. We don’t talk about the deal to anyone. We accept that we can fill up the gaps in our selves with stuff out there and that’s the way to live life and prosper.
So that was the deal we made one night in bed around the age of 18 while I wept my usual teenage tears of frustration and despair.
In doing so I invoked in me an enormous strength.
A strength of will that would become my partner in crime and always support me when I felt most alone or pinned against the wall of life. The beast and me have been living in harmony ever since. Or that is what I thought until this journey of mine.
The beast in me for all its virtue and strength has a trait that I had missed all along.
It was born in a scared mind.
It was born when the mind was alone and in turmoil and felt incomplete. That made it a perfect partner in times of strife but not very pleasant when the mind was at peace and fulfilled. I noticed that when I was happy or at peace I did not miss the beast until I felt the lust for the next goal. Its almost as if the beast needed goals and restless ambition and longing to stay alive in me. And it was not happy when i ignored it.
I realised I was living with a beast that needed my incompleteness to complete itself.
Finding No 4: Its time to let go of thy beast.