F19- First you must love yourself unconditionally.
You can’t rescue the drowning if you can’t swim.
It’s the same with love. You can’t share love without feeling it first for yourself. If you try to give love while feeling incomplete it will feel like a chore and will drain you of your energy in the long run.
For a long time I tried to practice being loving while hating myself and I noticed that love quickly becomes conditional.
Love became a currency and a transactional entity. I started to measure how much was coming in and how much was going out from my account.
I started to use the love I got to cover the self loathe I felt.
Love became a drug to drown the sobs of my lonely heart. You feel so ashamed of yourself that you replace all self-love with self-pleasure and call it the same thing. Pleasure is another name for conditional love. You can buy and sell it. Unlike Unconditional self-love, pleasure is selfish.
The more pleasure you take the lonelier you feel.
Pleasure promises you the feeling of love and lures you far into the river of regret until you start to drown in the isolation of silent despair.
Unconditional Self Love is not easy to find at first.
This will take a lot of contemplation and meditation. It lies under a lot of fake love and cheap surrogate relationships and titles and objects of comfort. You might have to lose a lot before you find this. Accept that this investigation is going to be hard and confusing and painful. But be brave and stare at your self. Remember every odd ball twisted detail of your current self. Everyday.
Slowly you will discover that a lot of the hole is psychological and very old and has been there for a long time. You will hear memories reverberate of things you did not do / or were done to you that you could not control.
You will feel the shame of rebuke and rejection and the laughter of your bullies. Let it all wash over you.
Let it soak your ear drums with your screams and watch yourself shrivel into a rag. Feel your knees knock in shivering despair.
Yes this will hurt- like pulling out a shard of glass stuck deep in your foot, or removing your hand from the slammed car door. You might pass out in the pain.
But you’ll survive.
The first sensation of change and relief will be when you start to feel great tender affection for every part of you.
Forgiveness for all your weakness and flaw.
Love for who you really are vs. the version you pretended you were.
Soak in your compassion first.
And then go and heal the world.